The problem with Oprah….

Hubby and I had taken the boys out for lunch to Sizzlers.  We are seated at a 4 seat table, Kingpin and Pubertyblues are facing a wall with a large flat screen TV. We are all very quietly enjoying our meal and Kingpin is happily watching TV.  Suddenly Kingpin screws up his face in absolute revolt.  “Geeeeessss…. Oprah has really let herself go, she has gotten SO ugly!”   I turned to look at the image on the screen.

There sat a 1980’s Whoopi Goldberg in a white V neck t-shirt, sunglasses with a full set of dreadlocks complete with beads.  I very nearly peed myself!

Wedding Bells!

With squealing excitement I gather my sons together one morning to tell them some wonderful news.  Ricardo FINALLY proposed to Aunty Bebe (aka my baby sister) and they are going to be married!

 Pubertyblues excitedly says “Great…That means Ricardo will be my REAL Uncle!” Kingpin stares at me blankly and asks in a very serious monotone voice.  “When are they having a baby?”  Taken back, I explain to him “Honey, one thing at a time. They just got engaged yesterday and THEN they will be getting married next year, which takes a lot of planning and then AFTER THAT they may start trying for a baby.”

He then states very matter of fact, “Well, she better start trying on her honeymoon as she is getting old and probably has dry loins by now.”

While I am trying to get over that shock announcement, his face turns to sheer excitement.  He enthusiastically announces “I am going to ask Ricardo if I can be his best man!”

Not wanting to burst his bubble I try to delicately defuse the situation.  “Oh honey, that is a nice thought, but I am pretty sure Ricardo will probably have one of his brothers play that role.  In fact I am pretty sure Aunty Bebe said they are having a very small, simple wedding and not having  ANY bridesmaids or groomsmen.”

Adamant he replies “Ricardo doesn’t have any brothers; I am going to ask him if I can be best man” (Busted!) I quickly blurt out “Well in that case if on the very slim chance he may have a best man, he probably would have one of his very close friends.”

He turns to me and says very seriously “Mum, Ricardo doesn’t have any friends”

“What? Yes he does Kingpin!”

Shaking his head he says “Mum he doesn’t”

“Kingpin, HE DOES!”

Shaking his head once again “Mum, believe me he doesn’t.”

Totally confused I ask “Kingpin, why would you think that Ricardo would have no friends?”

He looks at me as if I am stupid and the reason is so obvious “Mum, he is a middle aged loner, a nerd and he talks like a game show host.”

Cringingly I ask “Don’t you like Ricardo?”  

Shocked, he looks me dead in the eye “What?  OMG woman! Why would you ask me that? I love Ricardo!  He is awesome!” 

 

Aspie Chit Chat: Goodmorning!

Scene: Saturday morning around 8 am.  Hubby and I (aka Woman on the Edge) sitting in the lounge room enjoying a freshly brewed coffee.  Kingpin enters the room.

WOE:  Good morning sweetheart!

KP:   grunt, scratch

KP:  standing in front of me. Mum you really need to get a coffee machine that doesn’t make noise.  I am sick of being woken up by your stupid machine.

WOE:  looks at him in silence

KP:  Kingpin huffs and makes his way into the kitchen.

KP: Mum I am starving, what’s for breakfast?

WOE: Cereal

KP: That’s bull****, I want something good to eat!

WOE: Kingpin, Xmas is over.  There is cereal or you can make yourself some toast.

KP:  What sort of crappy mother,  doesn’t make her child a decent breakfast?  Mumbles under breath

KP: Mum, Mum…I can’t find MY cereal.  Dad has eaten it!!

HUBBY: Kingpin, I have not touched your cereal.

KP: Throws his hands up in the air exasperated

WOE:  Here is your cereal, nobody has touched it.

Husband enters the kitchen and makes himself some breakfast.

KP: Standing back in front of me whispering.  Mum, Dad just put cereal and milk in his bowl and then walked into the toilet.

WOE: Yes

KP: Woman!  He put milk and cereal in the bowl,left it on the bench THEN went to the toilet!!  Intensely looking at me.  Don’t you think that is weird?

WOE: No, he might like his cereal to soak up the milk.

KP: Urgghhh!  You are not getting it!! Walks back into the kitchen mumbling with hands thrown up in the air

Toilet flushes…

KP: Make sure you wash your hands!!  Yells

KP: Mum, you need to talk to YOUR husband (HIS biological father) about using the kids toilet….I am sick of him using my toilet!

Back in the kitchen looking through cupboards and the fridge.

KP:  This is bull****.  I am starving and I didn’t get dinner last night!

WOE:  Why didn’t you eat dinner last night?

KP:  I went to bed early.

WOE:  Hubby did you put KP dinner away from last night?  

Hubby:  It is in the fridge.

KP:  What is it?

WOE:  I made that really yummy chicken curry.

KP: Chicken curry?  I can’t eat chicken curry! It will make me need to go to the toilet and I am not planning on going to the toilet and shower until tonight!

WOE: It’s not THAT chicken curry.  It is the mild yellow one that you like.

KP: Are you sure, cause I don’t want to have to go to the toilet?

WOE: Yes I am sure, it’s in the fridge in the red microwave container

KP:  Goes to fridge opens container

KP: OMG!  Who packed this?

HUBBY : I did, why?

KP:  Mum….Dad has put the curry with the rice and there is all this sauce and not much chicken and the rice is floating!

Dog walks up to KP to greet him

KP:  Mum…your devil dog is licking me….get him to stop!!

HUBBY:  If you don’t want all the sauce, drain some out before you eat it.

KP: Urgghhhh…Mum, I wished you loved me enough to put a bullet in my head.

WOE:  Honey, believe me I do.  If it wasn’t against the law and I wouldn’t get locked up, I would certainly help you out.  sweetly spoken

KP: looks at me from the corner of his eye with a suspicious BUT  uncertain look on his face

Microwave beeps…KP  takes  his curry out of the microwave.

KP: Now are you POSITIVE that this curry won’t make me need to go to the toilet?

WOE:  Yes I am sure, that it will NOT make you need to go to the toilet. a little sarcastically

KP: Woman, keep your voice down…we have neighbors!!

KP: Pops his head from around the kitchen

KP: Mum, before I eat, I just want to let you know that I am not happy about this. Says sternly with his head nodding towards the curry he is holding in his hand

WOE: Noted.

I use to be a morning person….funnily enough, not so much anymore.

Pussy Galore…

Kingpin adores his cat Otto…he is a fat, orange, cranky, mean cat that overeats, nonstop whines, rips our fly screens, poops in my veggie patch, pees in the bathtub, attacks my dogs, hides under beds when I try to put him out, malts hair everywhere, is useless at catching mice, claws my furniture and when any member of the family other than Kingpin picks him up, ends up with a set of sharp claws stuck in them….He is rotten!

Kingpin was in grade 7 when I picked him up from school.  He hoped in the car and when we were out of site of the school, he started hysterically crying. He started rambling about a horrible boy from school said he was so fat that he would even eat his own cat!  He was terribly upset and could not comprehend how this boy would think that he was so greedy he would eat his beloved cat Otto.

Between trying to keep my eye on the road and trying to console the hysterical Kingpin,  I couldn’t help but think that was such a strange thing to say.  When we got home Kingpin picked up his cat and still crying told Otto how much he loved him. 

I finally calmed him enough to ask him enough questions to work out the scenario and the conversation so I could try to diffuse the situation. Kingpin told me the horrible boy said only one thing to him…“You like to eat Pussy”. 

I did not have it in me to tell him what the boy REALLY meant,  it was then I realized that his innocent mind was going to be polluted.  I turned up the next day at his Private Christian School and told the principal about Kingpins upset and told him I wanted him to deal with the situation.

At 17, Kingpin has a toilet sense of humor and really ‘gets’  dry English comedy.  He can be very inappropriate at times and despite my constant nagging loves to drop the F bomb. He is still getting things regarding the birds and bees terribly wrong and despite my protesting loves to educate me on all things of a risqué nature.  He loves my reaction, but I love it more when the lesson turns into him telling me that a BJ is a Blow Joy.  It still reminds me of his innocence….sigh

AWOL

Hi readers…I have been lost in action for the last few weeks, been unwell and have been hospitalised with chronic anemia, dehydration and exhaustion.  Never to be outdone, Kingpin fell through a plate-glass window and has ended up slashing his arm so badly he needed 19 stitches.  Good times, Good times…

Once my iron infusion takes effect and I start to feeling human again, I will be up and running/writing again.  xx

-Woman on the Edge

Would you?

If you had your time over again
Would you do it all the same?
Down through all the twists and bends
Are there moments you’d erase?

Would you just leave me standing
In the doorway frozen through?
Waiting on the coldest comfort from you

And if your course could be reset,
Would you steer your ship my way?
Or would you sail the wildest stretch
Just to feel the force of the waves?

Would you just leave me waiving
On the dock as you pull away?
Savouring the bitter taste

And if the mirror don’t reflect
The illusion you made
You could stop and take a breath
Feel the damages weight

-Powderfinger

OCD- Finger Licking Good!

Scene:  Saturday morning at a very busy hairdressing salon.  I am sitting under the dryer with my regrowth covered in bleach.

Phone Rings:

KP: (Whispering) Mum I need to talk to you, I have a worry.

WOTE: What’s up mate?

KP: Are you alone and nobody can hear?

WOTE: Yep

KP: OK this is what happened…I was watching Foxtel and the remote was sluggish, so I opened the back and rolled the batteries around.  I am worried that I may have licked a battery… OMG I think I licked a battery! What am I going to do?

WOTE: Calm down honey.  Did you pull the batteries out of the back of the remote?

KP: No

WOTE:  Ok…Did you poke your tounge out and physically lick the battery in the open remote?

KP: Ummmm (flustered) I don’t think so… OMG do you think I did?  Holy Crap.  I going to die!!

WOTE: Calm down Kingpin, you did not lick the battery.

KP: Mum are you sure?  How do you know?

WOTE: Mate, believe me I know.  You definitely did not lick the battery, to that I am a hundred percent sure.

KP: Phew…thanks mum.  I feel so much better.  I was scared I may have licked or even swallowed the battery.  So Mum…you know for sure that I definitely didn’t lick or swallow the battery?

WOTE: Absolutely 100% no chance that you licked  or swallowed that battery.

KP: OK…What if I touched the battery and then licked my finger, will I be alright?

WOTE:  Yes.

KP: How do you know?

WOTE: Mate, I just know.

KP: OMG… I remember I did lick my finger after touching the battery! Am I going to be OK?

WOTE: Mate, I promise you are safe and well and you have not harmed yourself in any way. 

KP: Are you sure, because I really am so worried.

WOTE:  I am sooooo sure, without a doubt.

KP: Oh thanks mum, I feel much better.

WOTE: No worries mate.

When I got home from the hairdressers.  Kingpin was anxiously waiting for me at the door. The “worry” was still plaguing him.  Only one thing to do…I  licked the battery.

The crazy things we do for our kids, and in the quest for some peace!

-Woman on the Edge

Do ants have assholes?

My Mum’s boobs are LONGER than yours…

You have got a very strong bum….not fat because that is rude…but VERY strong.

Your face looks like it was squashed in elevator doors… (To a very weathered, older lady)

No offence…but your breath REALLY stinks…can you pop a tic tac? (To a teacher)

You have got squashed banana on your face. (Freckles)

Can I ask those people to keep their voices down at the next table?  They are giving me a headache. (Business meeting)

Ohhhh thank god you didn’t bring your kid over here again…I had to pop an Advil.  (To the new neighbours)

What the hell is going on? Why are all these wrinkly people out today? (We no longer shop on pension payday)

(Dry Retching)  Miss , can you please tell Melinda to stop looking at me…(Not the prettiest girl in the class)

Gees… you are looking old and have gotten short. ( Seeing Uncle Lentil after 3  years)

When the going gets tough…

When the going gets tough, the tough get going?

When the going gets tough….I turn into a 1950’s housewife.

8am on a Saturday morning after a hellish week.  I have cooked Pesto Encrusted Ricotta, Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni, Corn and Ricotta Pancakes( I picked up a Ricotta wheel really cheap!), Cupcakes, Pavlova, Honey Joys, Chickpea and Vegetable Patties and Candycane Bark.

Stress is a strange thing…I now need to find some people to consume my efforts.  May have to make the trip to my beloved nephew Dan Dan’s house and force feed him.

Better on his lips than on my hips!

-Woman on the Edge

Today I am NOT loving…

My muddy, smelly, naughty, hole digging puppies.

Cleaning doggy vomit and dirty muddy prints off my carpets.

That Babycakes has to go to the doctors to get some “suspicious” moles cut out.

That Kingpin is suspended from school for inappropriate behaviour, and fighting.

That my very expensive air conditioner has died and needs to be replaced.

My hubby is tired and crabby.

That Pubertyblues has another respiratory infection.

That my house is in shambles.

HOW CAN THINGS GO FROM GREAT TO BAD IN JUST ONE WEEK?

 Only one thing to do… I am going to peel my butt of this lounge and be pro active and deal with the crappy cards I have been dealt with (all while wearing lip gloss and a lick of mascara!)

-Woman on the Edge